From that moment
Kori and I were pretty inseparable. Aside
from the fact that I found her really attractive, she was goofy and a little
off. Our personalities really meshed and
I loved being around her. I loved
watching her paint, the way I could see the pictures forming in her head before
the brushes ever touched canvas. She was
always screwing the sides of her mouth up and cocking her head like a parrot as
she was lost in thought. Plus I could
just be silly around her, which was a nice relief after days of trying to preen
and pretend that I was mature and together.
She didn’t care about that shit.
The Fine Arts building backed up to a creek that ran through the entire
campus, right at the end where it flowed into the Fox
River. The side door of the
studios led out to a little gravel pathway and the creek. It was dark and secluded, and when Kori was
ready to take a break from her work we’d often go out and sit by the
water. The lack of lighting made it a
great spot for a little innocent romance.
Kori and I could
talk about anything. One
night we were sitting in the grass on the side of a little hill and the subject
of dinosaurs came up. I’ve always had a
fascination with dinosaurs. Had I the
brain and patience for it, I would have loved to have become a
paleontologist. But that’s a whole lot
of school, as well as a lot of lonely time digging in the dirt. For whatever reason, I was talking about how
early scientists constructed the Tyrannosaurus Rex skeletons standing upright
(I know how to sweep a lady off her feet!)
While I promise that night there was no alcohol or any other hallucinogenic
involved, I somehow found myself demonstrating how a T-Rex really walked. Thank God it was really dark out there. I was hunched over, neck outstretched, elbows
tucked in close, roaring and running along the riverside. And Kori was laughing hysterically. Rather than heading for zee hills, she was
actually encouraging me to do more. I’m
pretty sure I fell in love with her that night.
I think from a
spiritual perspective Kori and I were also in similar places. We’d been raised to believe the same things,
and we were trying. But we also had the
same doubts. We’d also been damaged by
divorce early in life, and other things.
Kori especially. From time to
time, when I wasn’t demonstrating the finer points of dinosaur hunting
patterns, she would show me martial arts maneuvers. Kori was studying karate. While my fascination with dinosaurs stemmed
from boyhood daydreams, her hobby was born of a very real, scary event. The year before I’d come to Euphegenia, Kori was living
off campus in her own apartment. One
night while she was sleeping, an intruder climbed into her second-story window and tried to
assault her. Fortunately, he picked the
wrong chick to climb on top of. She woke
up alarmed, panicked, and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. She swung, she punched, she kicked, and she
clawed until he dove out the same second story window he’d come in
through. The story I heard from others
was the police were able to grab him quickly due to the deep cuts scratched across
his face. After that event, Kori
realizing she’d really just gotten lucky in her moment of panic decided that
maybe some proper defense training was a good idea. I admired her for it.
In the
beginning of our relationship we’d both agreed that we would adhere to the
popular ideal of not going to too far physically. Our Evangelical upbringings had gotten into
our heads that much. Sex is a major
obsession in that community, but not in the same way it is in regular
society. Christians crave it, but
therefore fear it and essentially outlaw it in many ways. If two students were caught, or even
reported, having premarital intercourse, they could be expelled. For anyone who went to a State university,
I’m sure that concept seems so ridiculous and foreign. It is.
The prohibition of
premarital sexual activity on Christian campuses actually bleeds over (oozes
and drips over I might say) into many of their other established rules for student activities. Drinking was strictly verboten because drinking led to lowered
inhibition, which surely they reasoned would lead to sex. Clearly whoever thought that up had never
heard of whiskey dick! Organized dancing was also not allowed on
campus. Dancing led to closeness between
the sexes, which led to touching, which lead to sex. For people who are so opposed to sex outside
of marriage, they sure thought about it an awful lot. Fucking perverts!
I jest about their
sexual obsession, and yet as a father I now understand it a little more. I’d like my children to be chaste and live
clean lives, but these days that’s more based on fear of disease or pregnancy. But I really don’t want my kids to be hurt
emotionally, and having sex with someone definitely opens you up to being blasted apart emotionally by the other person later. It would seem more-so for girls, but not all
guys are fuck happy poon hounds either.
We get hurt too, believe it or not.
I don’t want either of my kids to go through that. That said I don’t really want some board
summarily passing rules prohibiting them from making those choices for
themselves. As much as I’d like to
prevent it, I know my kids will probably have sex one day. I can’t really stop it. And I confess I don’t know how I’ll react when I learn that they
have. Well, my son I’ll high-five and
buy him a beer, but when it’s my daughters I assure you, I’ll be momentarily devastated as
any good father would!
But this was a
private school and therefore they were perfectly within their rights to set
whatever rules they wished. We had the
choice to agree and attend, or protest and leave. We opted to try assimilation. Besides, there is something charming about saying you’re waiting until marriage. Even an old perv like me can see something
romantic and fairy tale like in that notion.
It asinine of course, but it’s cute.
So as the nights grew colder we kept warm in that old truck by wrapping
up in old blankets and playing a little touch and tickle. Nothing too inappropriate, but still hoping
Jesus and the ghost of F. Shafer were averting their eyes.
Then there came a
weekend when for one reason or another I was going home to Wisconsin.
My dad had informed they would actually be gone until Saturday night and I was heading up Friday so it seemed
like a nice way for Kori and me to spend some alone time, away from school. My intentions were mostly noble. I had no real ulterior motive, I swear. And it actually turned out she couldn’t come
after all. She had something going on
that Friday I was leaving. I believe Artemis was going home that weekend as well and I asked him if he could just make
a quick detour off the highway and drop me off.
I even volunteered to drive.
Being blasé as he was about most things, he shrugged that it was
fine. It was now early winter and I remember
it was snowing as we drove that Friday afternoon. It was a bleak landscape. I also remember Artemis falling asleep 10 minutes out of Elgin
and decided to smoke a cigar. It was a
gift from our suite mate. It made
me chuckle that even with the radio on, the window open as snow and cold air blew
in, and me puffing away on a stogie were still not enough to rouse him. In recent years I have become a horrible
sleeper. I wouldn’t say I’m an
insomniac, but I don’t sleep a lot. A
long night is 5 hours for me. And
once my eyes open, I’m awake. Ironically
I’m always tired but can’t ever fall back asleep. Can’t seem to turn my brain off. On Celebrity Rehab I once saw an actor detoxing who slept for nearly 48 hours straight after he stopped using. I was so jealous. Now I
think back to my near-narcoleptic roommate and I am actually envious of his
ability to sleep anywhere, through anything.
Fortunately that
weekend, Kori had agreed to drive up after her thing that Friday night after
all. She would be getting in late though
so I promised I’d stay up. To pass the
time, I had rented the first two Highlander movies. I’m shaking my head and laughing at myself
even now as I type. I love to proclaim
I’m not a sci-fi geek, and yet so far I’ve dropped Star Trek references
and now Highlander! For those who
haven’t fully developed their nerd-radar (allow me to stop here and copyright the
term “nerdar”) Highlander was a movie about a Scottish warrior (think
Braveheart with a much smaller budget) who discovers
he’s immortal. Then cut to modern day,
which for those reading now was about 30 years ago, where we learn immortals
are all over the world. Every time they
encounter another, they have to engage in a sword fight (the medieval kind, not
the locker room kind) until one cuts the others' head off. The victor gets struck by lightning and
apparently sucks up the dead one’s powers.
Yes, I know, it is as retarded as it sounds. But Sean Connery is in it, and Queen did a
killer concept album for the soundtrack so leave me alone!
Actually, I always
remember it was a favorite of my brother when I was a kid. And that fall, the Fine Arts department threw
a little Halloween party (although of course we could not call it as such)
where the theme was movies. Everyone was
to dress as their favorite movie character.
Being of limited resources, I greased up my hair and went as Elvis from
Jailhouse Rock. Sadly I didn’t have a
denim jacket or striped t-shirt. What I
did have was a black tee I’d picked up at Graceland of Elvis, circa the Jailhouse
Rock time period. I wore my sleeveless
denim shirt over it (I loved that thing) and a pair of jeans. We were all poor college kids; everybody
understood a bit of imagination was required! MaRek just threw on
some of his Goth club wear and painted his face white and said he was a
character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show that nobody had ever heard of, who
was apparently in the background of the ballroom scene. At least that was his fantasy when he masturbated to images of a young Tim Curry! And who doesn't?!
The planning
committee had gone out to a local video store and begged for a bunch of movie
posters to decorate the lounge. One
of which was a poster for Highlander 2:
The Quickening. While I only had
fuzzy memories of the first movie, other than the awesome soundtrack which as
you know I had purchased earlier, I had no clue there was a sequel or what
it was about. All I know is the poster
was bad ass! It was a long shot of
Christopher Lambert (the Highlander) and Sir Sean mother-fucking Connery (THE Highlander) standing back to
back in these crazy costumes wielding swords.
Behind them was the backdrop of some futuristic looking city. I immediately wished it was hanging beside my
bed (let’s ignore that one Dr. Freud.) I
told Kori how much I loved that poster. I
don’t recall her being involved with the decorating but she may have been, or
else she knew who was, because that night as we were walking back to the dorms,
she handed me that rolled up poster! She
really was an awesome girlfriend!
So that’s what
sparked my interest in these random movies.
They gave me something to do while waiting for her to arrive that
night. For the record, the first one is
a classic. The second is possibly one of
the worst train wrecks of a movie ever made and the best thing I can say about
it is I hope Sean Connery bought a nice vacation house with his paycheck. Fortunately Kori arrived shortly after it
ended, and boy was I happy to see her and erase the memory of that cinematic
tragedy! I know we cuddled on the couch
by candlelight a while, but we were still chaste (relatively.)
The next day
however, would prove to be a different story.
As the saying goes, idle hands lead to active genitals. Kori slept in our spare room on a little
trundle bed, and I stayed in my room. I
can’t remember what we did that day to preoccupy ourselves and not think too
much about the fact we were alone together in an empty house. In fact I don’t remember anything about that
whole day except that the weather was dismal. It was wet and cold and snowy outside. I don't think we even left the house. In the
middle of the day, Kori went to the spare room to get something and I followed
closely behind her. At the risk of
sounding like a Penthouse Forum letter, one thing led to another and suddenly
we were rolling on the bed heavily making out.
In fact, those so-called letters were clearly the fictional creations of
freelance novelists, because they called back every little detail of those
erotic experiences. I can’t remember any
of the lead up from that cold winter afternoon.
Obviously our clothes didn’t just evaporate, but somehow at some point
they were just gone. We didn’t discuss
it. It wasn’t premeditated. But at some point during the kissing,
holding, and touching, that line we weren’t going to cross was very much
crossed indeed. I was on top of her, and then I was inside
of her. I looked into her eyes and asked
if it was okay. She said that it was. That’s when I closed my eyes.
I would love to say what q sweet, passionate, even momentous event it was. Sadly, I cannot, and not because I lack the
literary chops. Although that could be
said. No the real issue is that it lasted
all of about a minute, maybe two if I can be a braggart. In my defense, this was the
first time since my first time, and that had been three years prior. Truth be told that time when I was 15 years
old lasted longer. It was also more
passionate and loving. It was a minute of pure bliss. Well, it was for me. Unfortunately, no sooner was it over then the
guilt began to seep in. That was how
they got you. They drilled your head so full
of guilt about what an offense to our mighty God it was to commit adultery,
which was what they categorized premarital sex as (after all God has one
special soul mate picked out for each of us) that you couldn’t even enjoy the
sin while it was happening. Like binging
on donuts and finding you can’t even taste them but are still absorbing the calories. That's good fatty, bring it around to donuts.
As soon as I
finished, I felt like I’d just stomped a kitten in front of an orphanage. How could it be possible to go from feeling
so good to so bad the moment your genitalia feel cool air again? I wasn’t basking in the afterglow. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. That of course may have something to do with
a less than impressive performance. But
no, it was much more about something else.
It was over a decade of religious dogma pounded into my
subconscious. I was able to block out
those voices in the moments leading up to the act. But as soon as the stars cleared out of my
eyes, and something else cleared out of something else, there it was. We’d done a terrible thing. And I could see it her eyes too. Kori just stared up at me with almost dead
eyes. I asked repeatedly if she was okay,
and kissed her over and over again. She
kept saying she was, but I knew she was lying.
I tried to cuddle
with her and be an attentive boyfriend after sharing the most intimate of
experiences, but it was useless. She had
turned cold and unresponsive. Frustrated
and embarrassed I just got up and put my clothes back on. This was only making matters worse. I felt like I’d done something awful to
her. That was, on top of damning my own
soul to the fires of hell. And the fact
that she was actually adding to my guilt made me angry at her. I can’t tell you what we did the rest of the
day or that evening, but I know things grew pretty frosty between us. Which is so the opposite of what should have been. Instead of celebrating the intimacy we’d
shared and counting it as a huge step in our relationship, we allowed it to
create awkwardness. We allowed the myths
we’d been fed for so long to fester in our heads and the only way to cope was
to turn the finger of blame on each other.
Worst of all
perhaps, we just didn’t discuss it. I kept asking if she was alright about everything, and she only said
yes. Then the subject was quickly
changed. It was clear that we had made a
huge mistake. And not the act itself. The fact that we did it when we just weren’t
emotionally prepared to do it together.
I know we had a quiet ride back to school on Sunday morning in that
pick-up truck. We actually stopped at
her mother’s house for dinner. By
that point we had both more or less just sort of blocked out the whole
event. Finally I remember at one point she came and sat
down on the couch next to me and put her head on my shoulder and we just sort of
leaned into each other. It was as if to
say this didn’t go how either of us planned, but let’s not take it out on each
other. We tried to do just that. But no matter what, the event had changed
things for us. From that weekend on, we
just stopped getting along the way we always had before.
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